Co-regulating with your child, foundation skills for self-regulation
Co-regulation is a powerful approach that helps children and young adults develop the ability to self-regulate. When children experience intense emotions like anger, frustration, or stress, co-regulation creates a safe, supportive environment where they can manage these feelings and, over time, learn how to regulate themselves.
In this tip sheet, we’ll dive into the concept of co-regulation and offer practical tips for parents on how to effectively co-regulate with their children.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation refers to the process by which a child learns self-regulation through the support of a calm, trusted adult. It's more than just soothing a single meltdown—it’s about consistently modelling and teaching key self-regulation strategies. Over time, this helps "rewire" the brain, enabling children to independently manage their emotions. Co-regulation is important at every age, as it helps children recognise and manage their feelings, leading to healthier, more controlled responses to stress. Ultimately, co-regulation is the foundation for self-regulation.
Since children often don’t recognise when they're becoming overwhelmed, they depend on an adult to provide tools and support to manage those feelings. The key is to maintain consistency, offering a calm and respectful environment that helps soothe their dysregulated nervous system. Over time, children will better understand their physical and emotional cues. For instance, they might learn that raised voices and clenched fists are signals to take a break. Generally, the first seven years of a child's life are focused on co-regulation, but many children—especially those older than seven, and even adults—still benefit from this kind of support.
Why is Co-Regulation Important?
Co-regulation is critical for several reasons:
Co-regulation is a powerful approach that helps children and young adults develop the ability to self-regulate. When children experience intense emotions like anger, frustration, or stress, co-regulation creates a safe, supportive environment where they can manage these feelings and, over time, learn how to regulate themselves.
In this tip sheet, we’ll dive into the concept of co-regulation and offer practical tips for parents on how to effectively co-regulate with their children.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation refers to the process by which a child learns self-regulation through the support of a calm, trusted adult. It's more than just soothing a single meltdown—it’s about consistently modelling and teaching key self-regulation strategies. Over time, this helps "rewire" the brain, enabling children to independently manage their emotions. Co-regulation is important at every age, as it helps children recognise and manage their feelings, leading to healthier, more controlled responses to stress. Ultimately, co-regulation is the foundation for self-regulation.
Since children often don’t recognise when they're becoming overwhelmed, they depend on an adult to provide tools and support to manage those feelings. The key is to maintain consistency, offering a calm and respectful environment that helps soothe their dysregulated nervous system. Over time, children will better understand their physical and emotional cues. For instance, they might learn that raised voices and clenched fists are signals to take a break. Generally, the first seven years of a child's life are focused on co-regulation, but many children—especially those older than seven, and even adults—still benefit from this kind of support.
Why is Co-Regulation Important?
Co-regulation is critical for several reasons:
- Building Attachment and Trust: Co-regulation lays the groundwork for secure attachments and healthy social relationships. From infancy, children rely on caregivers to soothe their emotions. When a caregiver responds to a baby’s cries with calm, loving comfort, this co-regulation builds a foundation of trust and security.
- Emotional Development: Children cannot self-regulate without first co-regulating with a trusted adult. This process helps them understand and manage their emotions and is essential as they grow into adults capable of navigating life’s challenges with emotional resilience.
- Improving Mental Health: By promoting emotional well-being, co-regulation reduces stress and anxiety in children. Kids who experience consistent co-regulation develop a strong sense of self, boosting confidence and reducing the risk of future mental health issues.
- Positive Behavioural Outcomes: Children learn positive social behaviours by observing how their caregiver responds to difficult emotions. This shapes how they handle conflicts and interact with others in social situations.
- Strengthening Relationships: Co-regulation deepens the bond between parent and child, creating a secure environment for children to express challenging emotions, which ultimately strengthens the entire family unit.
Co-Regulation Strategies for Parents & Caregivers
Here are some effective strategies for co-regulating with your child. Each child is unique, so be sure to adapt these strategies to fit their needs and temperament. The goal is to create a safe and supportive space where your child feels loved and understood, even when emotions are high. Remember, when a child is dysregulated, they cannot access the rational part of their brain, so it’s essential to reduce language and help them ride through the emotional wave.
Here are some effective strategies for co-regulating with your child. Each child is unique, so be sure to adapt these strategies to fit their needs and temperament. The goal is to create a safe and supportive space where your child feels loved and understood, even when emotions are high. Remember, when a child is dysregulated, they cannot access the rational part of their brain, so it’s essential to reduce language and help them ride through the emotional wave.
- Stay Calm: This can be challenging, but it’s crucial. Imagine being upset and having someone yell at you—it would only make you feel worse. As soon as you notice your child (teenager or even adult child or your partner) becoming distressed, take a deep breath, stay calm, and avoid raising your voice. You are modelling emotional regulation.
- Connect on Their Level: Get down to your child’s eye level, make gentle eye contact, and use comforting touch, like holding their hand or placing your hand on their shoulder. This reassures them that they are safe and that they’re not alone in what they’re feeling.
- Validate and Name Their Emotions: During a moment of distress, children need to feel heard. Use simple, validating language, such as “I see you’re feeling really angry” or “You’re very upset right now.” Keep the words limited, as this is not a time for teaching or discipline.
- Create a Safe Space: Never leave your child alone or shut them away when they are overwhelmed. While it’s important to respect their need for space, always stay close by to ensure they feel safe.
- Model Deep Breathing: Deep breathing is a simple and effective tool for calming the nervous system. Start by modelling slow, deep breaths yourself. Your child may join you, or they might start to calm down through the rhythm of your breath.
- Use Sensory Tools: Depending on your child’s preferences, sensory strategies such as a weighted blanket, gentle rocking, calm instrumental music or dimming the lights can help soothe their nervous system when they are dysregulated.
What Are the Signs of Emotional Dysregulation?
All children experience strong emotions from time to time. Emotional dysregulation occurs when a child has difficulty managing those emotions in a way that allows them to continue participating in everyday activities.
Signs of emotional dysregulation may include:
Children who experience emotional dysregulation may benefit from support from parents, caregivers, Occupational Therapists, Psychologists, Counsellors, Speech Pathologists or Positive Behaviour Support Practitioners depending on their individual needs.
All children experience strong emotions from time to time. Emotional dysregulation occurs when a child has difficulty managing those emotions in a way that allows them to continue participating in everyday activities.
Signs of emotional dysregulation may include:
- Frequent meltdowns or emotional outbursts
- Difficulty calming down after becoming upset
- Aggressive behaviours during periods of distress
- Intense reactions to changes in routine
- Difficulty coping with disappointment
- Becoming overwhelmed by sensory input
- Anxiety about everyday situations
- Withdrawing from activities or relationships
- Impulsive reactions during stressful situations
- Challenges with transitions between activities
Children who experience emotional dysregulation may benefit from support from parents, caregivers, Occupational Therapists, Psychologists, Counsellors, Speech Pathologists or Positive Behaviour Support Practitioners depending on their individual needs.
What Does Co-Regulation Look Like in Everyday Life?
Many parents understand the concept of co-regulation but are unsure how to apply it during challenging moments.
Co-regulation often looks like a calm adult supporting a child through a difficult emotional experience rather than trying to immediately stop the emotion.
Example 1: Your Child Is Angry After Losing a Game
Instead of saying:
"Stop being a sore loser."
A co-regulating response might be:
"I can see you're feeling really disappointed. Losing can feel hard sometimes. Let's sit together for a moment."
The goal is not to remove the emotion but to help the child move through it safely.
Example 2: Your Child Is Anxious About School
Instead of saying:
"There's nothing to worry about."
A co-regulating response might be:
"It sounds like you're feeling nervous about school today. Thank you for telling me. Let's talk about what's worrying you."
This helps children feel understood and supported.
Example 3: Your Child Has a Meltdown
During a meltdown, children are often unable to access logical thinking and problem-solving skills.
A co-regulating adult may:
Example 4: Your Teenager Has Had a Difficult Day
Teenagers continue to benefit from co-regulation.
A supportive response might be:
"It sounds like today was really tough. I'm here if you want to talk about it."
Co-regulation is not just for young children. Supportive relationships remain important throughout adolescence and adulthood.
Many parents understand the concept of co-regulation but are unsure how to apply it during challenging moments.
Co-regulation often looks like a calm adult supporting a child through a difficult emotional experience rather than trying to immediately stop the emotion.
Example 1: Your Child Is Angry After Losing a Game
Instead of saying:
"Stop being a sore loser."
A co-regulating response might be:
"I can see you're feeling really disappointed. Losing can feel hard sometimes. Let's sit together for a moment."
The goal is not to remove the emotion but to help the child move through it safely.
Example 2: Your Child Is Anxious About School
Instead of saying:
"There's nothing to worry about."
A co-regulating response might be:
"It sounds like you're feeling nervous about school today. Thank you for telling me. Let's talk about what's worrying you."
This helps children feel understood and supported.
Example 3: Your Child Has a Meltdown
During a meltdown, children are often unable to access logical thinking and problem-solving skills.
A co-regulating adult may:
- Stay physically close if safe and welcomed
- Use a calm tone of voice
- Reduce language
- Offer reassurance
- Focus on safety and connection
Example 4: Your Teenager Has Had a Difficult Day
Teenagers continue to benefit from co-regulation.
A supportive response might be:
"It sounds like today was really tough. I'm here if you want to talk about it."
Co-regulation is not just for young children. Supportive relationships remain important throughout adolescence and adulthood.
What Not to Say to a Dysregulated Child
When children are overwhelmed, well-intentioned comments can sometimes increase distress.
Statements that may not be helpful include:
Instead, consider responses such as:
When children are overwhelmed, well-intentioned comments can sometimes increase distress.
Statements that may not be helpful include:
- "Calm down."
- "Stop crying."
- "You're overreacting."
- "You're fine."
- "There's nothing to be upset about."
- "Big kids don't act like that."
Instead, consider responses such as:
- "I can see you're upset."
- "That looks really hard."
- "I'm here with you."
- "Let's work through this together."
- "You're safe."
Co-Regulation Today, Self-Regulation Tomorrow
One of the most important things for parents to remember is that self-regulation develops through repeated experiences of co-regulation.
Children are not born knowing how to calm themselves, manage frustration, cope with disappointment or recover from stress. These skills develop over time through supportive relationships and consistent guidance.
Every time a parent remains calm, validates emotions, offers support and helps a child navigate a difficult emotional experience, they are helping build the foundation for lifelong emotional regulation skills.
Co-regulation is not about preventing emotions. It is about helping children learn that emotions are safe, manageable and something they can learn to navigate with confidence.
One of the most important things for parents to remember is that self-regulation develops through repeated experiences of co-regulation.
Children are not born knowing how to calm themselves, manage frustration, cope with disappointment or recover from stress. These skills develop over time through supportive relationships and consistent guidance.
Every time a parent remains calm, validates emotions, offers support and helps a child navigate a difficult emotional experience, they are helping build the foundation for lifelong emotional regulation skills.
Co-regulation is not about preventing emotions. It is about helping children learn that emotions are safe, manageable and something they can learn to navigate with confidence.
Conclusion
Co-regulation is a key factor in helping children develop the ability to self-regulate. It fosters secure attachments, supports healthy relationships and social skills, and promotes emotional well-being. By being a consistent source of calm, parents and caregivers can provide the foundation children need to manage their emotions in a healthy way as they grow.
Co-regulation is a key factor in helping children develop the ability to self-regulate. It fosters secure attachments, supports healthy relationships and social skills, and promotes emotional well-being. By being a consistent source of calm, parents and caregivers can provide the foundation children need to manage their emotions in a healthy way as they grow.
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Frequently Asked Questions - Co-Regulating with Your Child
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of helping a child manage their emotions through the support of a calm, trusted adult. Through repeated experiences of co-regulation, children gradually develop the skills needed for self-regulation.
What is the difference between co-regulation and self-regulation?
Co-regulation occurs when a parent, caregiver or trusted adult helps a child manage emotions and stress.
Self-regulation refers to a child's ability to independently recognise, manage and respond to emotions, thoughts and behaviours.
Children typically develop self-regulation through many years of co-regulation experiences.
Why is co-regulation important?
Co-regulation helps children:
At what age do children learn self-regulation?
Self-regulation develops gradually throughout childhood and adolescence. Young children rely heavily on co-regulation, while older children and teenagers continue to benefit from supportive relationships as they develop greater independence.
How do I co-regulate with my child?
Helpful co-regulation strategies may include:
How do I calm a dysregulated child?
When a child is dysregulated, it is often more helpful to focus on connection rather than correction.
Strategies may include:
What are signs of emotional dysregulation?
Signs may include:
Why is my child so emotionally sensitive?
Some children experience emotions more intensely than others. Factors that may contribute include temperament, sensory processing differences, autism, ADHD, anxiety, developmental differences and life experiences.
Emotional sensitivity is not a weakness and can also be associated with strengths such as empathy, creativity and emotional awareness.
What causes poor emotional regulation in children?
Many factors can affect emotional regulation, including:
Can autistic children benefit from co-regulation?
Yes. Many autistic children benefit from co-regulation strategies that support sensory regulation, emotional awareness and stress management. Co-regulation can help create predictability, safety and connection during challenging situations.
Can children with ADHD benefit from co-regulation?
Yes. Children with ADHD may experience challenges with impulsivity, emotional regulation and frustration tolerance. Co-regulation can help children learn strategies for recognising and managing emotions.
What are some examples of co-regulation?
Examples may include:
What should I avoid saying to a dysregulated child?
When children are overwhelmed, it may be helpful to avoid statements such as:
What are emotional regulation skills?
Emotional regulation skills help children:
How can I teach my child emotional regulation?
Children learn emotional regulation through:
What are some co-regulation activities?
Examples may include:
Is co-regulation only for young children?
No. While co-regulation is particularly important during early childhood, older children, teenagers and adults can all benefit from supportive relationships that help them manage stress and emotions.
Can co-regulation help reduce challenging behaviours?
Co-regulation helps address the emotional needs that may contribute to challenging behaviours. Many families find that supporting emotional regulation can improve communication, relationships and behaviour over time.
How does co-regulation support mental health?
Co-regulation helps children feel safe, understood and connected. These experiences support emotional wellbeing and may help reduce stress, anxiety and emotional overwhelm.
When should I seek professional support?
It may be beneficial to seek support if emotional regulation difficulties are affecting your child's participation, relationships, wellbeing, learning or family life.
Which professionals can help with emotional regulation?
Support may be provided by:
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of helping a child manage their emotions through the support of a calm, trusted adult. Through repeated experiences of co-regulation, children gradually develop the skills needed for self-regulation.
What is the difference between co-regulation and self-regulation?
Co-regulation occurs when a parent, caregiver or trusted adult helps a child manage emotions and stress.
Self-regulation refers to a child's ability to independently recognise, manage and respond to emotions, thoughts and behaviours.
Children typically develop self-regulation through many years of co-regulation experiences.
Why is co-regulation important?
Co-regulation helps children:
- Feel safe and secure
- Develop emotional awareness
- Learn coping skills
- Build resilience
- Develop healthy relationships
- Strengthen emotional regulation skills
At what age do children learn self-regulation?
Self-regulation develops gradually throughout childhood and adolescence. Young children rely heavily on co-regulation, while older children and teenagers continue to benefit from supportive relationships as they develop greater independence.
How do I co-regulate with my child?
Helpful co-regulation strategies may include:
- Staying calm
- Using a gentle tone of voice
- Getting down to your child's level
- Validating emotions
- Offering reassurance
- Modelling coping strategies
- Using sensory supports where appropriate
How do I calm a dysregulated child?
When a child is dysregulated, it is often more helpful to focus on connection rather than correction.
Strategies may include:
- Remaining calm
- Reducing language
- Offering comfort
- Providing a safe environment
- Modelling slow breathing
- Supporting sensory regulation
What are signs of emotional dysregulation?
Signs may include:
- Meltdowns
- Emotional outbursts
- Aggression
- Withdrawal
- Difficulty calming down
- Anxiety
- Impulsive behaviour
- Crying easily
- Extreme frustration
Why is my child so emotionally sensitive?
Some children experience emotions more intensely than others. Factors that may contribute include temperament, sensory processing differences, autism, ADHD, anxiety, developmental differences and life experiences.
Emotional sensitivity is not a weakness and can also be associated with strengths such as empathy, creativity and emotional awareness.
What causes poor emotional regulation in children?
Many factors can affect emotional regulation, including:
- Developmental stage
- Autism
- ADHD
- Anxiety
- Trauma
- Sensory processing differences
- Sleep difficulties
- Communication challenges
- Stressful life events
Can autistic children benefit from co-regulation?
Yes. Many autistic children benefit from co-regulation strategies that support sensory regulation, emotional awareness and stress management. Co-regulation can help create predictability, safety and connection during challenging situations.
Can children with ADHD benefit from co-regulation?
Yes. Children with ADHD may experience challenges with impulsivity, emotional regulation and frustration tolerance. Co-regulation can help children learn strategies for recognising and managing emotions.
What are some examples of co-regulation?
Examples may include:
- Sitting quietly beside a distressed child
- Taking slow breaths together
- Using a calm voice
- Offering a comforting hug if welcomed
- Listening without judgement
- Helping a child identify their emotions
What should I avoid saying to a dysregulated child?
When children are overwhelmed, it may be helpful to avoid statements such as:
- "Calm down."
- "Stop crying."
- "You're overreacting."
- "There's nothing to be upset about."
What are emotional regulation skills?
Emotional regulation skills help children:
- Recognise emotions
- Understand emotions
- Express emotions appropriately
- Cope with challenges
- Recover from setbacks
- Solve problems effectively
How can I teach my child emotional regulation?
Children learn emotional regulation through:
- Co-regulation
- Modelling
- Emotion coaching
- Consistent routines
- Safe relationships
- Practising coping strategies
What are some co-regulation activities?
Examples may include:
- Deep breathing together
- Reading books together
- Going for a walk
- Gentle movement activities
- Listening to calming music
- Sensory activities
- Quiet play
- Mindfulness exercises
Is co-regulation only for young children?
No. While co-regulation is particularly important during early childhood, older children, teenagers and adults can all benefit from supportive relationships that help them manage stress and emotions.
Can co-regulation help reduce challenging behaviours?
Co-regulation helps address the emotional needs that may contribute to challenging behaviours. Many families find that supporting emotional regulation can improve communication, relationships and behaviour over time.
How does co-regulation support mental health?
Co-regulation helps children feel safe, understood and connected. These experiences support emotional wellbeing and may help reduce stress, anxiety and emotional overwhelm.
When should I seek professional support?
It may be beneficial to seek support if emotional regulation difficulties are affecting your child's participation, relationships, wellbeing, learning or family life.
Which professionals can help with emotional regulation?
Support may be provided by:
- Occupational Therapists
- Psychologists
- Counsellors
- Speech Pathologists
- Positive Behaviour Support Practitioners
Related Resources
Emotional Regulation
Positive Behaviour Support
ADHD & Attention
Autism & Neurodevelopment
Counselling & Mental Health
Development & Play
Additional Supports
Emotional Regulation
- How to Become an Emotion Coach for Your Child
- Emotional Regulation: What Causes Emotional Dysregulation?
- Emotional Regulation Strategies for Children
- Behaviour Support for Emotional Regulation
Positive Behaviour Support
- Positive Behaviour Support Hub
- What Is Positive Behaviour Support?
- Examples of Positive Behaviour Support Strategies
- Positive Behaviour Support for Children
- Positive Behaviour Support for Autism
- Positive Behaviour Support for ADHD
ADHD & Attention
- Helping Your Child to Attend and Concentrate
- ADHD Checklist for Children
- Early Signs of ADHD in Children
- Behaviour Support for ADHD
Autism & Neurodevelopment
- Autism Support Hub
- Early Signs of Autism
- Signs of Autism in Toddlers
- Autism Early Intervention Without a Diagnosis
- Autism vs ADHD vs Developmental Delay
- Developmental Support
Counselling & Mental Health
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Children: A Parent's Guide
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for Children with ASD & ADHD
- Common Symptoms of Grief
Development & Play
- The Six Stages of Play and How to Help Your Child During the Stages
- Early Intervention Speech Therapy
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We are Medicare and Private Health fund registered for Occupational Therapy and Speech Pathology.
EPC/Team care arrangements/Chronic disease (CDM) or GP management plans and self-referrals are all acceptable.
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You can get a referral from your/your child’s GP for OT on a Chronic Disease Management (CDM) plan this gives you 5 sessions for OT per calendar year with a $53 rebate available on each session or a Helping Children with Autism/PDD/ or an eligible disability package (20 sessions between allied health professionals, as set up by a Paediatrician/Psychiatrist) which gives your child under 16 years a $75 rebate per session for the 20 sessions, you can use up to 10 sessions per Health Professional (up to 10 for OT) and you will need a separate referral letter from your child’s Paediatrician for each Allied Health Professional you are seeking services from.
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Your Private Health fund may cover up to 75% of the cost of OT sessions if this is included in your cover, be sure to call them or check your policy for details.
No referral or self referral
You do not require a referral for accessing OT
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We are an NDIS Registered Provider
Whether you or your child have NDIS funding that is NDIS Managed, Third Party Plan Managed or you are Self-Managing your funds, you are able to use your funding to cover the full cost of therapy services plus travel costs. You will need provide us with your/your child’s NDIS number and plan details ahead of your first session. Once you have booked a session or contacted us, our team will be in touch to discuss our service agreement and provide you with our services price list.
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F: Ferndale, Floreat, Forrestdale, Forrestfield, Fremantle
G: Gidgegannup, Girrawheen, Glen Forrest, Glendalough, Glengarry, Gnangara, Gosnells, Greenmount, Greenwood, Guildford, Gwelup
H: Hamersley, Hamilton Hill, Hammond Park, Harrisdale, Haynes, Hazelmere, Heathridge, Helena Valley, Henderson, Henley Brook, Herdsman, Herne Hill, High Wycombe, Highgate, Hilbert, Hillarys, Hilton, Hocking, Hovea, Huntingdale
I: Iluka, Inglewood, Innaloo, Jandabup, Jandakot, Jane Brook, Jindalee, Jolimont, Joondalup, Joondanna
K: Kallaroo, Karawara, Kardinya, Karragullen, Karrakatta, Karrinyup, Kelmscott, Kensington, Kenwick, Kewdale, Kiara, Kings Park, Kingsley, Kingsway, Kinross, Koondoola, Koongamia
L: Landsdale, Langford, Lathlain, Leederville, Leeming, Lexia, Lockridge, Lynwood
M: Maddington, Madeley, Mahogany Creek, Maida Vale, Malaga, Manning, Marangaroo, Mariginiup, Marmion, Martin, Maylands, Melaleuca, Melville, Menora, Merriwa, Middle Swan, Midland, Midvale, Millendon, Mindarie, Mirrabooka, Morangup, Morley, Mosman Park, Mount Claremont, Mount Hawthorn, Mount Lawley, Mount Nasura, Mount Pleasant, Mount Richon, Mullaloo, Munster, Murdoch, Myaree
N: Nedlands, Neerabup, Nollamara, Noranda, North Beach, North Coogee, North Fremantle, North Lake, North Perth, Northbridge, Nowergup
O: O'connor, Ocean Reef, Orange Grove, Osborne Park
P: Padbury, Palmyra, Parkerville, Parkwood, Pearsall, Peppermint Grove, Perth, Piara Waters, Pinjar, Queens Park, Quinns Rocks
R: Red Hill, Redcliffe, Ridgewood, Riverton, Rivervale, Roleystone, Rossmoyne, Rottnest Island
S: Salter Point, Samson, Sawyers Valley, Scarborough, Seville Grove, Shelley, Shenton Park, Sinagra, Sorrento, South Fremantle, South Guildford, South Lake, South Perth, Southern River, Spearwood, St James, Stirling, Stoneville, Stratton, Subiaco, Subiaco East, Success, Swan View, Swanbourne
T: Tamala Park, Tapping, The Vines, Thornlie, Treeby, Trigg, Tuart Hill
U: Upper Swan
V: Victoria Park
W: Wangara, Wanneroo, Warwick, Waterford, Watermans Bay, Wattle Grove, Wattleup, Welshpool, Wembley, Wembley Downs, West Leederville, West Perth, West Swan, Westfield, Westminster, White Gum Valley, Whiteman, Willagee, Willetton, Wilson, Winthrop, Woodbridge, Woodlands, Woodvale, Wungong
Y: Yangebup, Yokine